Facebook, MySpace, and other social networking websites have chosen to call everyone you interact with on the site a ‘friend’. I think that’s a shame, since it creates the illusion that all social relationships are the same. In fact, they really aren’t. Depending on which and how many of the critical elements which define a friendship are missing from the connection, at its worst, all that may be said of it is that the individuals are simply on friendly terms with each other. By calling everyone a friend the distinction has been blurred between those people who comprise the outermost circle of our social network (English has given us the word ‘acquaintance’ to describe them); and those who comprise the innermost circle (use of the word ‘friend’ would be appropriate here). Consequently, being on friendly terms with someone is all too often confused with and/or accepted as a substitute for friendship.
But what is a friendship? How do we know that what we are doing and who we are interacting with will lead to a friendship? After doing a lot of thinking about that question and observing my own life experiences as well as others, I’ve arrived at what I think would be a reasonable definition or description of friendship and what relationships will yield us the holy grail.
"Friendship is a special relationship between two people who are brought together by oftentimes unforeseen, uncontrolled, or unavoidable life circumstances which affords them an opportunity to actively share a personally significant real-life goal, purpose, or experience on a regular basis and in close proximity to each other. In so doing they come to trust each other; to respect each other; to like each other; to rely on each other for comfort and support; and to enjoy being in each other’s physical company and spending time together."The text above in red bears some further explanation. I think it describes or defines what might be called the critical mass of a friendship. It is made up of four distinct elements. In the section below I will list each element together with some examples or some additional descriptive or explanatory information:
- actively share a personally significant
- - a fair degree of some form of life intimacy must be present
- - a fair degree of personal commitment or involvement to the activity must be felt
- real-life goal, purpose, or experience
- - school (as children and young adults)
- - living together
- - warfare
- - child rearing / motherhood
- - medical condition support (e.g., cancer or drug addiction)
- - work (other than a basic cog-in-the-wheel type job—even if managerial)
- - any other collaborative effort involving real life issues and at least 2 people
- on a regular basis
- - at least weekly
- in close proximity to each other
- - must be a fair degree of visual contact, both individuals being a few feet apart
Writings by Others About Friendship
- We sense (or promise) that our relationship will endure; that we’ll be there through thick and thin, mistakes and misunderstandings, even times when we’re unattractive, disagreeable, or out of sorts.
- We recognize, mobilize and celebrate each others’ gifts. We look for places where our friend’s gifts might blossom and we build bridges to those places.
- We see the essential beauty in each other, and we celebrate that.
- We carry dreams for each other and encourage each others’ dreams.
- We share our time, our worldly goods, and our ‘standing’ in the community. We share the things that delight us.
- We connect each other with trusted (trustworthy) people.
- We’re watchful — we look out for each other’s well being and best interests.
- Sometimes we offer direction. Our First Nations friends in British Columbia have four different words for the idea of ‘encouragement’; and one of those words means pointing out when someone is on a path that might be harmful.
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What is a Friend?
by Jeanette Cooper
A friend is
Someone who cares about you,
Someone who likes you just the way you are.
A friend is
Someone who does things with you,
Someone who keeps your secrets.
A friend is
Someone who sometimes gets angry with you,
Someone who might hurt your feelings sometimes
even when they don’t mean to.
A friend is
Someone who comforts you when you’re sad,
Someone who laughs with you when you’re happy.
A friend is
Someone who wants to be with you,
Someone who enjoys your company.
A friend is
Someone you’ll remember always
Even when they grow up and move away.
A friend is
Someone who is loyal and says good things about you,
Someone who gets mad if someone else is mean to you.
A friend is
A link to someone’s humanity like food for the soul to share,
Someone to hold onto when life’s follies bring despair.
A friend is
F-frank, R-righteous, I-intrepid, E-earnest, N-noble, D-decent
A friend is a friend—always!
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"What is a friend? I will tell you. It is a person with whom you dare to be yourself. Your soul can be naked with him. He seems to ask of you to put on nothing, only to be what you are. He does not want you to be better or worse. When you are with him, you feel as a prisoner feels who has been declared innocent. You do not have to be on your guard. You can say what you think, so long as it is genuinely you. He understands those contradictions in your nature that lead others to misjudge you. With him you breathe freely. You can avow your little vanities and envies and hates and vicious sparks, your meannesses and absurdities and, in opening them up to him, they are lost, dissolved on the white ocean of his loyality. He understands. You do not have to be careful. You can abuse him, neglect him, tolerate him. Best of all, you can keep still with him. It makes no matter. He likes you. He is like fire that purges to the bone. He understands. You can weep with him, sin with him, laugh with him, pray with him. Through it all - and underneath - he sees, knows and loves you.
A friend? What is a friend?
Just one, I repeat, with whom you dare to be yourself."
-- C. Raymond Beran
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"We cannot tell the precise moment when friendship is formed. As in filling a vessel drop by drop, there is a last drop that makes it run over; so in series of kindnesses, there is a last one that makes the heart run over."
-- James Boswell
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“For it is mutual trust, even more than mutual interest that holds human associations together. Our friends seldom profit us but they make us feel safe... Marriage is a scheme to accomplish exactly that same end.“
-- H. L. Mencken
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“Trust lies at the core of love; there can be no true love without trust.“
-- M.K.Soni
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“Friendship often ends in love; but love in friendship -- never.”
-- Charles Caleb Colton
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“It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.“
-- Friedrich Nietzsche
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“The art of love ... is largely the art of persistence.”
-- Albert Ellis
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"The ultimate test of a relationship is to disagree but to hold hands."
-- Quoted by Alexandra Penney in Self
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"Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come:
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved."
-- William Shakespeare, Sonnet 116
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